Those Who Fear to Confront ...

October 17, 2013  / 13 Marcheshvan,  5774

We either love it or hate it, and we seldom have the ability to change how we handle its arrival. 

I speak of confrontation.

Honestly speaking, I have lost track of the number of times when I could have exited a problem or circumstance through a direct aim at the source … and then decided to avoid the confrontational method.

A chronic fear of 'upsetting the applecart,' writes Therapist Mark Tyrrell, may stem from a childhood spent trying to appease a fractious parent or from having lived in a family in which any disagreement felt like a huge deal. Undue fear of confrontation may stem from a fear of rejection. Wanting to 'be nice' all the time (regardless of how the other person behaves) is a fast-track route to repressed bitterness, and sends clear messages to the insensitive that "I can be treated poorly".

Tyrrell proceeds to outline eight ways to overcome fear of confrontation (1).  Most impressive, to me, is the advice to communicate clearly and “leave the insults to the playground.”  The notion that we  might actually achieve a healthy confrontation that will lead to a good outcome for both parties should be at the forefront of our minds.  In other words, we must confide in our mature sense of being, the part of ourselves that thinks through the problem and brings forward honest and constructive points to a friend, colleague or loved one.

Now, for all of my misgivings about taking the plunge, I have observed and come to appreciate that there are some souls in my midst who are not only open to the approach but wired to confront.  Whether I have been the object or not, I have come to appreciate their directness and can even overlook some of the rawness of a confrontation that is as passionate as it is necessary. 

Perhaps my own, most convenient option for confrontation is the vehicle of the sermon.  On a regular basis, I am afforded the means to lift up social and moral concerns that not only beg attention, but also action.  In fact, I would say that the key difference between a d'var torah – a presentation of insights on a particular text – and a sermon is the ability of the speaker to confront the audience with something to think about.  Indeed, we have all heard preaching that reaches out and grabs!  Yet the measure of a good sermon is its ability to use that interaction to make arguments that are worthy of consideration, and that have tangible effects.

I encourage you to think about the ways that your spiritual leaders and teachers have used their platforms, respectively, to move you into a course of constructive thinking and doing, and perhaps to share some of the great examples from which we all can learn.  You are also welcome to complete the title of this entry, Those Who Fear to Confront __________________________.

       (1)    see the full article at http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/fear-of-confrontation/